Since today is Mother's Day, 
I thought it would be fitting to reflect on life, as a mother, in CRNA school. These are just my own personal experiences, fears, and realities, which may be completely different from your own. Plus, I can't speak for all you Daddy's out there who also balancing life as a parent and as an SRNA. 


One of my biggest fears when I decided to go back to school was how it would effect my children.  I put off school while they were small because I did not want to be away during that time in their lives.  Now they are 6 and 7 years old, in elementary school, and I thought to myself, "it was now or never".  Even with the support of my family and my husband, I understood the insane time commitment and worried that my "mommy guilt" would get the best of me. 

 I am my own worst enemy!

There are actually too many to list... Here are the top 4:

1: MOMMY GUILT. This is a feeling you cannot fully understand unless you are a mother.  I'm sure Daddy's have this as well, but maybe on a different level (correct me if I'm wrong). Inevitable (hormonal) changes happen to women when we become mothers...and certain instincts kick in that we just can't shake...no matter how hard we try and deny it!  Mommy-guilt is my main one.  When I was a working full-time as a nurse and now as an SRNA, I constantly wonder how my kids are feeling when I am away.  On one hand I know that I am doing what is best for them, but I still wonder, "Am I causing them some type of life-long psychological harm by being away or by not doing Pinterest arts and crafts projects with them on the weekends??" (haha...of course not, but our "crazy" mommy-brains lead us to think otherwise sometimes...right??)

2: MOVING the family across the country...taking the kids away from their friends and having them start in a new school. We all loved the town we moved away from.  We miss it deeply.  But my daughter started Kindergarten this fall and has been in "Kindergarten Heaven" all year.   My son had a more difficult transition, since he left many of his friends and a school he loved.  Now, several months later, they have adapted well, made many new friends, and are very happy in their new school! (Rockstars...)

3:   MONEY.  This is a completely different subject all-together.  But I worried (and still do) if I will be able to financially provide for them during these 2 years without an income.  I never thought I would  worry if they would have enough food, clothes, healthcare, and other basic necessities.  These are things I took for granted when I was working. 

4. TIME.  As I mentioned before....I understood that class, studying, and clinical ect. would take up at least 80 hours of my time each week.  I had previously been a very active and involved mother, coaching soccer teams, chaperoning field trips, and having the kids friends over for sleepovers.  I was personally close with the kids' teachers and worked closely with them in school.  Both kids are active in sports and music as well.  How was I going to continue (and financially afford) this during school??  Easy answer....I can't!  But it's ok!!  There are financial assistance options and additional resources for families.  And the kids are receiving a wonderful education! 

Before we even moved, I made specific goals I would follow during school that would help me to prioritize family-time during my busy school schedule: 

1. At least one hour of "family-time" each day 
2. One large (most of the day) family activity each weekend.  
   

"Family-time" could be playing a board game or Wii, reading books to the kids, attending a soccer game, watching a movie, ect....anything as long as I was engaged in the kids and not school for AN HOUR (at least)!  Surprisingly, this worked well at first.  But once clinicals started, there were many days I didn't even make it home while the kids were awake.  There were also several evenings (especially before an exam) where we would all just sit together on the couch and watch a movie, while I was also reading and studying....

We also set a final goal:

We (as a family) decided that a REWARD AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL was necessary.  It would be something we could all work toward and look forward to when school was over.  It needed to be something that would be enjoyable, relaxing, and fun for the WHOLE FAMILY.  We quickly decided that a Disney Cruise would be our "graduation trip" (just booked it last week!!!).

This past semester, I had a very hard time stepping away from school "stuff" while I was at home. The further I traversed into the semester, the more work I felt was piling on my plate.  I was constantly planning, studying, and working on the next project, assignment, exam, clinical assignment, ect.  My ability to balance all of my "roles" was tipping over.....and I felt that the only thing I could do was just keep looking ahead, reminding myself that summer break will be here soon.  

I am embarrassed to admit that, but that's what this blog is for...right??! 

I have to remind myself that everything does not have to be perfect or up to my standards for a little while.  All of those extra things CAN be put on hold until school is over.  The kids will be FINE without this for a couple years :)

MY PRIORITIES AS A MOMMA ARE: Lot of hugs, kisses, "I love you"s, as well as supportive, positive, and uplifting words! On the flip side, I consciously try not to ever yell or make the kids the target of my stress and frustration. 

Kids are resilient and have certain "basic" needs....the number one being LOVE!  As long as they know, feel, and see how much you love them, they will make it through this.  There are definitely times where I wonder if this was the right decision or if it is affecting them negatively.  But then I watch them enjoying life, smiling, and laughing; and I realize they are very happy kids. 

 I couldn't imagine going through this without them. They are my cheerleaders, my motivation, my "mental break from school".  They are my constant reminder of WHY I am working so hard and dedicating every ounce of my being to school for these 24 months.  IT WILL BE WORTH IT!  I will be able to send them to summer camp, afford special vacations, take them out to dinner, and be home for them when school is over.  These couple years of struggle will only make the rest of our lives that much better.

Seriously, I can't emphasize this enough. 

You cannot be the mother, student, wife, and woman you want to be if you are not taking care of yourself, especially during this stressful and challenging time.  Personally, I am much more present, appreciative, and happy around my children when I do little things that decrease my stress and unwind.  Whether it's a run or hike outside, lunch or a beer with a friend, yoga, workout session, or just hanging out with classmates to vent and enjoy some adult time....do what you need to in order to take care of your stress (so you don't bring it home to those kiddos! :) )

We need to all accept that we are not perfect and we are not machines.  We are all human with our own emotions, stresses, coping mechanism, and personal issues.  It is impossible to be there for those who rely on us when we can't even take care of ourselves. 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of you beautiful and amazing mommas!!  You are doing the right thing!!

 I want to send out my special appreciation again to those who are helping me through this.  I would NOT be able to do this without the help of my husband and family.  Having support, resources, and help all make my life as a mom and a student that much easier.  We all have our own, unique challenges that we conquer in any way we can! 

Who's ready for summer??! Yup, the weather's finally getting SUPER nice, the leaves are coming out, and my white legs are showing (sorry!).  But there's nothing like those first few REALLY nice days of spring to help you feel awesome about life for a moment. Right?

With the "mini" break I have had this long weekend, I have been able to tackle many things on my TO DO LIST (mostly be lazy).  But, most importantly spending lots of time with the kiddos.

TOP 3 FAVORITE ACTIVITIES I DID WITH THE KIDS THIS WEEKEND:

• Family game night at a friend's house
• Playing outside with neighborhood kids
• Scooters and run on the bike trail

...small, simple pleasures 

We even brought the mutt to the bike trail today, so he could get in on the fun, too.  Fortunately, he didn't do this...

When I started anesthesia school, someone very wise told me to make Small Goals and Stretch Goals each day.  This will (hopefully) help us tackle ALL that anesthesia school has thrown our way and make the workload more manageable.  So since I didn't do any school work over the weekend (for once!), and my "Family Time" was MUCH more important that other things.  Meaning I needed to hit it hard today! 

Seems like a lot of Small Goals AND IT IS!!  But I was ready to take on the challange. I had the day off of school and clinical, and the kids were at school most of the day.  So I "buckled down" and finished all my Small Goals! (Woot! woot!)  I was even able to get out and enjoy the amazing weather!! (see #8)