Luckily, I slowly recovered over time, but have lived in fear of returning to that mindset ever since. In the past ten years, I regained my self-confidence, regained my health, and learned to appreciate the little things! I have lived in balance and had a true happiness and appreciation for life.
When I learned I was about to embark on the challenging journey of CRNA school, I was ecstatic to finally follow a dream I have worked toward for many, many years. However, part of me was horrified that the stresses and struggles that school would bring to my life and to my family would uncover the unhealthy habits of my past. I was so scared. But at the same time I was hopeful and determined to stay on track.
Last spring, I felt like I had achieved the impossible. I felt like I had survived the most difficult period of my CRNA program, yet was able to stay healthy, happy, and maintain my routines and good habits. I had proven to myself that I could do it! I could withstand this challenge without falling back into destructive patterns of behavior. It was then that I was inspired to help other CRNA students, start this blog, and became active locally and nationally in SRNA Health and Wellness. I felt that if I could do it....anyone could!
I was given the opportunity to serve as the Student Representative for the AANA's Health and Wellness Committee! I have met students and CRNAs from all over the country who are doing amazing things and inspiring others. I felt at home being a part of something that I have a passion for.
But this year I have been struggling myself, and now wonder if I am the right representative while I am fighting my own health challenges.
It happened. Something clicked in me this past fall, almost overnight. A shockwave that hit me hard and immediately threw me back into my past-self. ? How could this happen? I have come this far, for this long! 10 years! Why now? And HOW to I get back?!
Since the fall, I have been in a constant battle with my inner self and an eating disorder. I have bad days, or weekends, or weeks...where I will binge and make myself feel horrible, then to try and "recover" the next week or two, only to fall into it again. Over and over. For months.
Along with the eating comes anger, self-hatred, regret, palpitations, night-sweats, useless days, and sleepless nights.
I continue to look ahead to end points, telling myself, "THEN I will stop." "That is my last time, and I will get back on track." And then it will happen again.
I have tried to mix things up; join a gym, run a half-marathon, sign up for a triathlon, ect, hoping they would lead me back on track to the woman I was (and still am). I desperately want and need to lose this part of myself FOR GOOD and get back to the woman I have grown into.
I have battled feelings of regret, self-hatred, guilt, pain, and fear....while at the same time struggling to balance school with motherhood. I have let myself down, yet continue to hang on and try to climb my way out.
In order to get to this level in our careers, we must be the type of people who set extreme goals for ourselves, fighting hard to the limits. We set high expectations and are let down by each small failure. We strive to do our best. That's what makes us great CRNAs. Unfortunately, there are downsides to having these high expectations of ourselves.
So here I am again. I am setting another goal for myself to get out of this RUT!! Last summer I did a 30-day Reset that completely changed how I felt (for the better!). I gained tons of energy, decreased my stress, felt happy, and even lost weight. I honestly felt the best I ever have in every way! Once class started, the stresses of school led me away from that lifestyle and into old habits.
Well, I need a reset again. Badly. And I'm ready for another 30 days...
I woke up this morning and realized I needed to do this now. And you all are my witnesses :)
Starting this Saturday...for at least 30 days I will:
1: Stick to this 30-day reset (no diary, grains, alcohol, caffeine, beans, sugar, processed foods, oils, ect)
2: Not chew any gum (currently I'm a 2 pack-per-dayer)
3: Do yoga every day (even if it's only 15 minutes) --> this SERIOUSLY decreases my overall stress levels
4: Meditate every day (at least 10 minutes) --> same as above
So Saturday is the day. I'm starting my 30-Day self-challenge to break these harmful habits, regain my health, and find myself again.
Do you have a 30-day challenge you'd like to do with me? You can chose your own goals and stick to them for 30 days. Setting goals on things that are NOT school related is really important right now, too. It is not too late (start whenever you're ready).
Evidence had shown that people are more likely to stick to their challenges and are more successful when they do it with others. Join me and lets do this together!
What are you going to do (or not do) for 30 days?? You have a couple days to think it over before we start!
Feel free to contact me anytime as well. I will try and help the best I can. Also check out AANA's Health and Wellness page for more resources. Be Well.